i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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