god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
