So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Randomize
