just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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