its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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