God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
