Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
