i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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