I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
