You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
