Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
