Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
