Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
