Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
