i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
