Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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