Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
