I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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