Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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