so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
