After last night, I could never be a politician.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
