It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
