My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
