Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Send help, water and tortillas.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
