Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
