She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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