Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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