I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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