and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
