i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
