I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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