He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
