I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
