btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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