Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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