I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
