How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
