dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Congratulations! We have a period
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
