Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i think im in europe. pls send help
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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