remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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