I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
