Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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