I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
