So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
