I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
