if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there was a trapeze. enough said
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
