The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
