Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
