Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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