mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
