i think my tv is drunk
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
