Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
