'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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