Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
