And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
