So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
