he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
