Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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